Solo hike revelations...

I was actually going to post this in a Facebook post, but then realized that it would get quite lengthy, so I decided to turn it into a blog post instead. Thanks in advance for reading. 

Today's story is a story of how "I am never upset for the reason I think." 

This morning, I begrudgingly went for a solo hike. 

Even though I started stepping out of the shadows about 6 years ago, solo things are still a little difficult for me to do.

I used to think it was because I cared too much what people thought of me. Like I would go to the grocery store and keep my head ducked for some reason and speak and/or stutter very softly and rush out of there.

But today, I go on live videos often without much prepared, I started my own podcast, I've filmed and created my own programs, and I have like 50 videos on YouTube. All in varying degrees of "put-together." So I clearly don't pay much attention to what people think. Or at least not on cyberspace. At least not today.

So I was surprised at how upset I was this morning when I was faced with the decision of going on the hike alone or staying home with my boyfriend. Cognitively, I was thinking, "Why can't I go for a hike alone? On a Saturday, at a park where there will be a good amount of people around (in case you're like my mother and are freaking out about a small girl going into the woods alone)."

Ok, so here's one maybe reason why.

From age 0-18, I was never allowed to go anywhere alone. Like barely the bathroom at a small restaurant. My mom always went with me or she would ask my brother to go with me (he to the men's room of course) so that he would be there waiting for me to be done before we both went back to the table. I never did anything by myself. 

My parents gave me a gift when we found out I was accepted to UC Davis for undergrad: a huge black keychain pepper spray. They told me I needed to carry it with me at all times no matter what. I dutifully followed these instructions (even way past college and into grad school, until my friend sprayed it on his arm one day and all that sprayed out was old oil. He threw it in the trash and I remember I had a moment of silent panic.) 

So all throughout college I believed I couldn't, and shouldn't, do anything alone.

Lest I get kidnapped or murdered or raped. Even going to the grocery store. I used to wait until my boyfriend needed groceries and then I would get mine with him. And going on a hike alone? Jeez, out of the question!

Even the first time I went for a hike in LA on my own, I texted my mom a selfie and she freaked out. She asked me where my boyfriend was and how could he just let me go on a hike on my own. I remember thinking, "Wtf, I don't need no man to protect me! I'm done hiding in the shadows! I'm going to do shit on my own from now on!" I mean, within reason and of course being vigilant of my surroundings and such. 

So anyway, back to today's hike.

As I was hiking up, my brain was concentrated on breathing to get the adequate amount of oxygen in (I'm really out of shape at the moment). But on the way down, instead of zoning out like I usually do on these solo hikes (and by zoning out, I mean eyes darting everywhere to make sure nothing wants to kidnap, murder, or rape me), I decided to process what happened this morning and listen to my self-talk. 

Here's the conversation (with myself...my intuition?) that followed - I=intuition

Me: Ok let's hash this out. So why was I so upset this morning about going on this hike alone? Well, because he (boyfriend) was snappy and rude! He didn't have to be like that. I didn't deserve that.

I: Mmhm...so what was the story going on in your head?

Me: Um...I guess the story was, "You always say you want more quality time with me, but when I ask you to do things with me, you always say no. You've been so busy lately, I might as well not be here. And when things get tough, you always get snappy at me and I don't want to deal with it anymore."

I: And what was the story underneath that story? 

Me: Uh...you don't want to spend time with me anymore. 

I: Why? 

Me: Because I'm not good enough. (pause) Woah, I don't know where that came from. 

I: ... (if my intuition could raise its hand, that's what it did here)

Me: So I was really upset about hiking on my own because I don't think I'm good enough? 

I: Why do you want a content editor for you business?

Me: Ok, random. Uh, I want a content editor to help me sort out my content and figure out my message. And when things don't go the way I want them to, I'll have someone "in the trenches" with me to figure out what went wrong. 

I: Why do you want another person to help you figure out what went wrong? 

Me: Because it would be nice to have someone with me. 

I: Why? 

Me: So I feel less alone. 

I: ...(if my intuition could raise its eyebrows, that's what it did here) 

Me: Alright, I see what you did there. I want to feel less alone because deep down, I don't think I'm good enough on my own. 

- - -

From this conversation with my intuition, I learned that I am afraid of being alone because some part of me still thinks that I am not enough on my own. 

So then I decided to use my conscious brain to rewire some of this old patterning. 

With each step I took, I allowed my intuition to fill in the blank for "I am ____" statements. This is what ended up coming out:  

  • I am enough.

  • I am good.

  • I am loved.

  • I am kind.

  • I am respected.

  • I am worthy.

  • I am valued.

  • I am lovable.

  • I am valuable.

  • I am smart.

  • I am beautiful.

  • I am love.

  • I am enough.

  • I am enough.

  • I am enough.

  • I am love.

  • I am love.

  • I am love.

There's a ton more, as I kept doing this until I made it all the way back to my car, and I felt amazing by the time I got there. 

So next time I am faced with the decision to do things on my own, I'll take this list back out and do some rewiring before, during, and after, so that before long, I will love doing things alone as much as I do with others. 

Because I understand my fear of being alone is connected to a fear of not being enough. Both of which are not Truth and I can choose not to believe them. And according to Abraham Hicks, "A belief is just a thought you keep thinking." 

I hope this has been helpful for you! Next time you find yourself having a reaction to something you do not desire, have a conversation with your intuition to find out what's really bothering you. Then help your brain out by feeding it more loving self-talk instead. 

- - -

Opening up your mind to receive self-love can be difficult, as you can see from my story today. One of the projects I have been sharing is a daily Miracle Thought video series in my Facebook group, The Love Yourself Community.

Each day's video contains a "lesson" from A Course in Miracles. It's about wiping your mind slate clean so that it can release its false beliefs and adopt LOVING beliefs in its stead. By accepting loving beliefs, you are inviting and attracting miracles into your life - miracles that will allow you to finally live the life you most desire. Come check it out! 

 

Jessica May TangComment