LY 43: Setting Boundaries with Love
This month, we are talking all about boundaries. Right now, setting boundaries is my most relevant form of self love.
At the end of last year, I was part of Jessica Geist’s Worth to Wealth program and on our last coaching call, she talked about boundaries. At that time, my ego crossed its arms, tapped its impatient little Pac-man foot, and said, “Oh, we got that down. We don’t need that.”
And I’ve been learning that it is EXACTLY what I’ve been needing to help me move further towards my grand vision.
I used to think of setting boundaries in a very masculine, “put your foot down” kind of way, which isn’t in alignment with my calm, peaceful, present inner self. And I’m slowly learning setting boundaries can also be done in a calm, peaceful, loving way, too.
Setting boundaries does not have to be about self protection
I think most of us think about boundaries as a form of self protection. I need to protect my energy for other people’s crap, so I need to set a boundary and demand other people to respect them.
However, the energy of self-protection is very fear-based.
It’s about putting yourself inside a golden castle and building a moat and thick walls around you to protect all the bad stuff from entering your golden walls.
If you’ve been wanting to move towards your Grand Vision, which requires you to become your inner self, setting boundaries as a form of self-protection is the opposite of what you want to do.
Inner self is always calm, peaceful, present, and radiates love.
Many of us tend to associate that with being a pushover, when actually, it’s the exact opposite.
Setting boundaries is powerful
When you set boundaries with love, it’s even more powerful than when you set boundaries from fear.
When you set boundaries from fear, people immediately see you as “defensive” or “angry” or “bitter,” and as a result, they tend to want to disrespect your boundaries. (Anybody ever encounter an angry cat and want to taunt it even more? 🙋)
When you set boundaries from a loving, expansive place, you help the other person feel safe. And feeling safe is probably what everyone wants second only to feeling loved. So when someone feels safe, they are more likely to actually HEAR your boundary and then WANT to respect them.
It’s not only powerful for you, but it’s powerful for others as well
When you have the courage to set your own boundaries, you’re asking others to respect them.
Whether they respect them or not is their choice.
But by being brave and sharing your own boundaries, you’re also sending out a message to the other person and giving THEM permission to share theirs.
If the boundary they share in response or their reaction is something you don’t like, you can actually choose to walk away from it.
You can choose to see that this person, or how they are reacting to you setting your boundaries, is not in alignment with your inner self and you can choose to remove yourself from that energetic and sometimes even physical space.
Setting boundaries is also powerful because you’re establishing a deeper level of trust
When you share what is ok with you and what is not, the other person can trust that you will continue to share your true feelings and thoughts with them.
They will no longer need to worry about stepping over you or making you upset or having you be angry with them. They will trust that you will always tell them if and when they do, which means they will have the opportunity to apologize or somehow amend the situation.
And for yourself, you can also trust that they will and want to respect your boundaries.
By sharing your own boundaries, you’re also giving other people permission to share theirs
You’re modeling to them healthy, open, trusting, expansive communication. You’re telling them it’s ok to communicate with you in this way. And the impact of this is powerful because you’re also helping them realize that they can move on and communicate with other people this way too.
You’re giving people permission to use their voice. With you and with others.
With my own clients, time and time again, once they learn how to use their own voices with the people they love, they start noticing how the people they love are also using THEIR voices to create massive shifts in their own lives.
One of my clients, by using her voice with a grandmother-in-law and sharing with her how some of her comments felt hurtful to her, the grandmother-in-law was able to apologize and eventually even opened up to explain that she sees herself in my client. Through that conversation, the grandmother realized that she had been projecting her own self hatred onto my client and for that, she apologized.
This grandmother-in-law not only ended up considering my client as a very dear friend, but she also started using her voice with her daughters, mending their strained relationships!
Releasing people and situations that are no longer aligned is very powerful
If you share your boundaries with someone and they continue to disrespect them or they require you to violate your own boundaries in order to show them you are a good friend, you are not actually being the best friend for them.
When your boundaries are being violated, you feel drained, upset, resentful, and hurt. It’s impossible to be a great friend to someone when you are feeling this way towards them.
Letting go of such people can be powerful.
By letting them go, you gain emotional space to invite more aligned people and situations into your life.
Oftentimes, the people you are leaving at some point in their lives look back and realize that they were way out of alignment with their inner selves and actually want to transform their lives in response.
Dissolving and letting go can help you transform your life and it can also help the other person transform theirs as well.
Tapping into inner self to share your boundaries with love and not fear:
When I signed up for my first coach that cost $15,000 for 6 months, I was barely making rent. My friend, Mr. X, got wind of this and reached out to me to tell me that he felt like I was making a big mistake.
My ego flared up hearing this, feeding me thoughts of, “How dare he tell me I shouldn’t do something - who does he think he is?”
I was driving when I picked up this call (bluetooth, not to worry!) and I pulled the car over to take deep breaths so I wouldn’t end up saying something out of anger and regret it later.
As I took a deep breath, I tapped into my inner self, who reminded me that it was an intuitive decision to hire this coach and that we were still aligned with hiring the coach. And my inner self told me that ego is feeling threatened - we need to take a break.
And although it was super scary for me, I ended up gently interrupting my friend and telling him that I could see that he was worried and that I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me - he’s just showing me his love the way he knows how. I shared with him that I had already signed the contracts and that I felt like I was making a really good decision for myself and it’s ok that we disagree.
At the same time, I asked to get off the call right then and there instead of what I usually did when similar situations used to arise, which was the sit there rolling my eyes and wait for the person to be done and then hang up.
When I shared that I could see that Mr. X just wants to share his love for me, he quickly agreed and said, “Yes, I do love you and I just want to make sure you’re ok. I’m not trying to hurt you at all.”
So I assured him that I was and that I saw him. I saw his love for me and was so grateful for it. I knew he wanted to help me and love me, so I shared with him, “I would really appreciate you just being there to listen, if you would still like to support me. At the same time, it’s ok if you don’t want to because I understand you don’t agree with what I’m doing and that’s ok.”
And he answered that yes, of course, he’ll always be there to listen and that he just wants me to be ok.
Then we got off the phone saying, “I love you”s.
And you know what? I love and respect him to pieces! Because I know it must have been hard for him to make the phone call to me. I know it wasn’t the most comfortable thing to tell me that he disagreed with what I was doing and risking me being really upset with him. I think most other friends would just shrug and say, “Well, we’ll just see what happens to Jess.”
You can ask for time to tap into inner self
Sometimes we need time to tap into inner self, and that’s ok. And it’s really important to express to others that you need that time.
Taking the time to tap into your inner self allows you to then show up as your inner self, which allows you to start shifting your reality.
You can share your inner self thoughts and boundaries in different ways:
For me, sometimes, I need to write down what my thoughts are. Just because my ego is very strong and sometimes even while sharing my boundaries verbally after checking in with inner self, my ego will step in with its defensiveness and bitterness. So writing has been a very helpful tool for me.
Of course, you can always share your boundaries verbally.
Sometimes asking the other person to meet you in a safe or neutral place so that you can feel comfortable. Sometimes when we feel like the other person has “the upper hand,” ego can get very defensive and very loud. So I’ve found it helpful to sometimes meet at a coffeeshop or something.
I know that finding the courage to express your boundaries can bring on a ton of self doubt and fear. While it’s easier to stay quiet - at least in that moment, you’re not doing yourself any favors when it comes to transforming your life to look like your Grand Vision.
Below, you can sign up for my free Self Doubt Guide in which I walk you through 4 weeks of daily small activities so that you can start replacing self doubt with confidence and inner peace.
Next week, we’ll come back and talk about how to handle the backlash that most of us experience when we start sharing our boundaries with other people.
Other things I mentioned during the episode:
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Shout out to Angie Welch, an awesome Love Yourself Community member for telling me about Amazon’s Associates program. I wanted different ways to supplement my income, and the Universe sent me a way through Angie. Thank you!
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