boundaries & guilt
*First published via email on Tuesday, February 19, 2019. Click here to subscribe.
Guilt with a capital G is piling on STRONG this week.
I'm just now realizing how much Guilt runs my life. And Fear.
I've lived with the Fear of being a bad person or not a good enough person for as long as I can remember. (Yes, I see the irony as helping people feel whole, complete, and enough is what I am paid for and really good at.)
And this fear keeps me and my voice small.
But my Future Self is not a small person.
So lately, I've been using my voice more often. I've been feeling out the edges of myself and understanding what in life I want to experience and what I'd like to no longer experience, and sharing it with the people I love.
But hanging on the coattails of using my voice are really heavy doses of Guilt.
Lately, I've been noticing how most mornings, I wake up questioning whether I'm doing a good enough job as a 30 year old adult. I spend my days feeling restless, unsettled, and worried about money. This is something I've struggled with for most of my life. My coping mechanism was always to slap a smile on my face and do my best to ignore it all.
This past weekend I shared my voice and immediately felt like I was drowning in Guilt. I ended up with a sore throat and fatigue. Louise Hay correlates the sore throat with "the inability to speak up for one's self; swallowed anger; stifled creativity; refusal to change" and fatigue with "resistance, boredom, lack of love for what one does."
Today, I wanted to send you a reminder that if you do feel guilt after sharing your voice, it's normal. It's the ego's way of protecting you and keeping you from doing something that's out of the norm for you.
And when you're in the throes of guilt, whether you're afraid of hurting the other person's feelings or you're afraid of their response or you're afraid of what "everyone" is going to think about you, it's helpful to remember WHY you shared your voice in the first place.
Remember that in sharing your truth with others in the best way you know how, with as much love as you can muster, you are being the best person you can be. You are being your inner self.
So check in with your inner self often and do what she invites you to. And then trust that it's in everyone's favor.
How the other person receives your boundary is their own learning experience, and you have to trust that even in their sadness or disappointment or resentment, they are going through exactly what they need to be going through in order to be happier in the future.
To be honest, maybe I’m just saying all this to justify my actions and decisions in my own life right now, and I'm going to choose to be ok with that. I'm going to notice Fear and Guilt and appreciate it for what it is. I'm going to appreciate their presence and know that they are there to protect me. And I'll choose to remember that I am good enough as I am.
With so much love,
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