searching for love to escape ourselves

*First published via email on Tuesday, March 26, 2019. Click here to subscribe.

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I originally started out this email with a disclaimer like, "I don't have anything profound to share with you today because I'm questioning a bunch of stuff within myself again," but I do have something to share, and I'll own it.

The past two nights, I've been going down YouTube rabbit holes. I watched a couple of videos by Sadghuru, who I've posted about before. I love how funny he is. Mooji is great too. Such kind men who let their beautiful souls shine through.

This morning, I found myself revisiting this TEDx video YouTube suggested, "Searching for love to escape ourselves" by Hayley Quinn. I relate to her story, and it's something that's been on my mind a lot.

Growing up, I always had this idea that my partner was going to be someone who completed me. I needed to find a man who would protect me and keep me safe and make me feel loved all the time.

Like Hayley, I jumped around from guy to guy in my twenties. I went out every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night until my toes were numb from all the alcohol. I smoked cigarettes to be "cool." I stopped eating in order to be skinny. And once I found a guy who liked me enough to stick around for more than a night, I tried my hardest to shift myself into the person they really wanted.

Like Hayley, when I was with a guy who liked me, I didn't have to look at my own stuff. I could look to this other person to validate me, to make me feel ok, to make me feel loved. But the more I did this, the more I bent myself to become the girl they wanted, the more I lost myself, and the more lost I felt.

When I started learning more about codependency, I realized that my worldview about relationships (with significant others, family, and even friendships) was solidly planted in codependency. By relying on another person to make me happy, I'll never find true happiness myself.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this video. How do you view the purpose of relationships?

Sending you love,




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