My fat ass wall 😍
*First published via email on Friday, January 11, 2019. Click here to subscribe.
Phew! I woke up this morning with my thoughts spinning around like crazy. It's only 9:30am right now and I'm already feeling exhausted. Do you ever have mornings like that?
I made the mistake of looking at emails first thing when I woke up. Mistake because I usually do some detachment meditation or thought exercise before opening them in order to soothe my ego. (Confession - I actually usually scroll through Pinterest to wake up...because, you know, "my eyes are too sleepy to stick contacts in them." Lol. It's kind of true. If my eyes aren't awake enough, they're still a little dry, and sticking contacts into dry eyes is NOT fun. But it's funny what goes through my head to justify a bit of pretty pinning. Teehee.)
So I was reading emails from you guys this morning and a lot of you have been offering words of encouragement, practical advice, and basically a lot of help. THANK YOU. I'm so grateful...
...AND (big breath) I felt weak, vulnerable, and...yea, weak. My back hurt and I found myself trying to stretch it out but it wouldn't go away.
Then I decided, instead of running from the pain I was feeling and trying my best to make it go away, I let it be. I just noticed. I kept myself a few feet "behind" the pain. Behind the thoughts.
And I noticed this very hard "I'm an expert and I'm the coach" shell that I carry with me. It's a shell that I hide behind.
The real me is super insecure, so I put up this huge 10 foot thick steel wall with a moat around it that says, "I'M AN EXPERT, I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, NO I DON'T NEED HELP, YOOUU NEED HELP, SO HERE."
Lol. (I'm really glad I'm chuckling at myself about this now. I was feeling so awful.)
Deep cleansing breath.
Man. I didn't realize how heavy that wall and moat were. I didn't realize how much I used it.
Guys, I barely even SAW IT THERE BEFORE.
I thought I just had a little babbling brook around my soft core. (Melo- and Mom- if you're reading this, I can hear you snorting! 😋)
Now I see that a big reason why my business had fits and starts was because every time I would start to get vulnerable with my audience, I would get some emails and messages back with encouraging words, advice, and support. And my immediate reaction was, "I DON'T NEED HELP. I'M THE COACH. YOU NEED HELP. STOP TRYING TO HELP ME." Then I'd go stomping around for the rest of the week trying to read self help books in order to figure out why everyone wanted to help me and no one was paying me to help them.
From my conversations with some of you yesterday, me sharing my own challenges and you reaching out to support me has also helped YOU. So many of you actually made huge realizations for your own lives WITHIN your emails to me! That was MAGICAL to witness.
And to think that all those years I stiff armed people away because I was afraid they were thinking of me as "less than," I actually could have kept going with the conversations and BOTH OF US could have had massive transformations. 🤯
I think there's a little bit of shame in there, so I'm going to spend the rest of the day petting my ego. It did a really great job this morning in letting me see that fat ass wall. AND it did a great job of BUILDING that wall! That is a SOLID WALL. Thank you, ego.
And maybe...maayyyybbeeee, if he's (yes, my ego is male - he's actually a little Pac-man that changes colors like a mood ring) feeling good, we can talk about sloooowly, and lovingly, taking down that beautiful wall so we can build something else with it.
Like my grand vision. HOH!
I'd love to hear form you now! Do you have a wall that keeps your core safe but also keeps people out? How does it affect you?
PS: In case you wanted to see what kind of pins I like to pin super early in the morning, I just thought it might be fun to share - here's the link to my Pinterest. 😍
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