self criticism - which part of yourself are you denying?

*First published via email on Thursday, March 7, 2019. Click here to subscribe.

 
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Hello,

Yesterday, I started recording the next batch of podcast episodes. The first one felt like TORTURE. I felt like I wasn't speaking right.

One thing that I've learned how to do better is enunciate. I am a fast talker, and even in listening to my episodes lately versus when I first started, I've gotten better.

I didn’t change this because I felt like I "should," but because when I talk fast, I'm usually feeling insecure and wanting to prove something. That I'm good enough or smart enough. 

And interestingly (and expectedly) enough, I trip over my words and then feel really dumb. (My subconscious belief is that I'm dumb and therefore I need to prove that I'm not, but what ends up happening is I trip over my words and just perpetuate the subconscious belief that I am dumb. 🤨 Niiiiiiiice, ego.)

But yesterday, it was the exact opposite happening. I felt like I didn't have words and my brain was fluff. I was staring at my notes trying to decipher what I had written and kept drawing blanks, lol.

Usually, the first episode I record on a batch day feels something similar. I usually feel like I'm searching for words until I settle in and start channeling words.

Yesterday was a bit frustrating. I was doing my best to settle, but in settling my self down, nothing was coming through. So I felt like I had to keep "trying."

Looking back, I did go into recording with a ton of shoulds on my mind. Red flag #1.

And I'm in Fall. Red flag #2.

I had food coma from stuffing my face with lunch because I hate recording when I'm hungry. Red flag #3.

But of course, after I stumbled my way through the first recording, I decided to record the next episode because usually by the second one, I've gotten into a groove and I'm feelin' myself and it's good. But guess what happened?

My voice gave out. Lol. It stopped working.

So after I wheezed my way through that second recording (because of course, my mind said we had to finish or we'd fucking die) I said, alright body, fine. I guess we need a break.

Then I took the rest of the day off from podcasting.

Today, I'm at my desk editing the first episode I recorded yesterday (it's coming out on Monday) and was surprised to see how "fine" it was. I thought it was going to be a nightmare and I'd have to re-record the whole thing and UGH.

But it was fine!

Crazy what our minds feed us, huh?

I think the reminder here is that self-criticism is always way worse than reality. That voice tells us we're swinging way too high on the playground and we're going to fly off and DIE, but in reality, our asses are firmly planted in the swing and we couldn't die if we fell off anyway.

At the same time, if you notice yourself doling out extra self criticism, it usually means there's a part of yourself you are denying.

I was denying myself the rest I actually needed when I sat down yesterday. Instead, my fearful ego was piping up with thoughts of, “I needed to record. The month is ending. I have no time to rest. That’s lazy. Let’s go, lazy.”

If I had just let myself rest, go read a book, or watch something with the intention of coming back to recording with love and openness, I bet I would have returned to recording an hour later feeling refreshed and even more inspired. Which is what usually happens. But I was giving myself pressure to get the episodes done NOW OR WE'LL DIE.

Where in your life are you noticing self criticism? Could it be that you are denying yourself of something that you want?

With love,

Jess

 

 

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